I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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