he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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