just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
