We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
