I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I looked at my own cervix.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
