Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
