im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
