We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
