After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
