Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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