Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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