I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
