Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
