Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
