Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize