I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
