So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
