I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
