Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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