If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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