he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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