I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
