TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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