You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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