Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
