Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize