Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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