There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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