all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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