I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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