this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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