she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We left the knife in your bed.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize