No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
