I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
