Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize