The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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