I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
