I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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