She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize