if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
