It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
