You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
