You smell like a Billy Joel song
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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