I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
