He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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