just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
