I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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