Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
