dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
