Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
