He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
