I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
