This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize