He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
