I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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