Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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