When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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