Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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