lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
