I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have feelings that need drinking.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
