the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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