I'm so fucking centered right now
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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