Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
