awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
