My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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